"I loved you at your darkest" ~Romans 5:8
Recently I read a letter that I had
sent to myself almost a year ago. At the time that I was writing it, I was weak, hard on myself, and looking for
strength to do something that would require a lot of courage that I thought I didn’t
have. A year later, while digging through cardboard boxes in my new home, I stumbled
upon the letter again and cant help but remark over how much has changed… how
much I have changed.
I try
to keep my topics general, but today, my spirit demands my words bare me naked
and raw. That August, I left a relationship I had nurtured for almost 3
years that had drained me, tested me, broke me, and with God’s grace, developed me. I emerged a woman who
had something to prove, a raw power and confidence that needed to finally be
recognized and loved for what it was. I was tired of being Kara Zor-El (Super Girl)
or Ruth (Ruth & Boaz, Ruth2), I wanted to be the bold Esther (Esther1) and
the free Selina Kyle (cat woman) **insert Halle Berry’s signature ‘cat-walk’
(Catwoman, 2004).
This
past year was one of discovery. I know this sounds cliché but really; I loved
and I lost, I kissed plenty of strangers, I dared, I regretted. I ended friendships
that weren’t healthy anymore and in return, found sisters who loved and accepted the insecure, shrewd,
hot - tempered part of me that had stayed carefully hidden. I took ‘impulsiveness’
and ‘recklessness’ to the change-room to try on while throwing caution to the wind. I
fell into infatuation and I also fell in love. I consider it all a gift, even
the things that could easily be written off as mistakes. If I hadn’t thrown
caution to the wind a few times and stepped out of my comfort zone, I would
have missed out on unique experiences that I could only have in this season and
age of my life; that coincidentally have equipped me to better love and connect
with other people.
In the letter, I reminded myself of what
people who loved me had seen; a kind, sweet, and gentle spirit. Reading those
words now, I can’t help but feel as though I’m mourning a loss. I have grown
bolder and more confident and I fear that the “sweetness” that people perceived
was just the timid skin that I have now shed… but then again, what do I know?
This time last year, I felt isolated
and alone. Today I am far from alone. In the times I feel hollow, Lord, remind
me to seek you and count my blessings.
Upon introspect, in the next year, I
pray for the inspiration to curb my temper and jealousy, to be genuine with my
apologies but unapologetic regarding who I was meant to be. I pray for the
patience to be graceful to myself, straightforward with addressing my needs, and
eager to serve the needs of others with the very same grace. Time and time again, He has proved that He is faithful; even when I'm not. With that infinite truth said, I'll continue to take heart.
As Michelangelo declared in his old
age, “Ancora Imparo!”. I am still learning. I will continue as many of us do;
to live for connection as well as find grace and give grace wherever I can.
Much love,
-Emma xoxo
