A Measure of Time

"I loved you at your darkest"   ~Romans 5:8

     Recently I read a letter that I had sent to myself almost a year ago. At the time that I was writing it, I was weak, hard on myself, and looking for strength to do something that would require a lot of courage that I thought I didn’t have. A year later, while digging through cardboard boxes in my new home, I stumbled upon the letter again and cant help but remark over how much has changed… how much I have changed.

     I try to keep my topics general, but today, my spirit demands my words bare me naked and raw. That August, I left a relationship I had nurtured for almost 3 years that had drained me, tested me, broke me, and with God’s grace, developed me. I emerged a woman who had something to prove, a raw power and confidence that needed to finally be recognized and loved for what it was. I was tired of being Kara Zor-El (Super Girl) or Ruth (Ruth & Boaz, Ruth2), I wanted to be the bold Esther (Esther1) and the free Selina Kyle (cat woman) **insert Halle Berry’s signature ‘cat-walk’ (Catwoman, 2004).

     This past year was one of discovery. I know this sounds cliché but really; I loved and I lost, I kissed plenty of strangers, I dared, I regretted. I ended friendships that weren’t healthy anymore and in return, found sisters who loved and accepted the insecure, shrewd, hot - tempered part of me that had stayed carefully hidden. I took ‘impulsiveness’ and ‘recklessness’ to the change-room to try on while throwing caution to the wind. I fell into infatuation and I also fell in love. I consider it all a gift, even the things that could easily be written off as mistakes. If I hadn’t thrown caution to the wind a few times and stepped out of my comfort zone, I would have missed out on unique experiences that I could only have in this season and age of my life; that coincidentally have equipped me to better love and connect with other people.

     In the letter, I reminded myself of what people who loved me had seen; a kind, sweet, and gentle spirit. Reading those words now, I can’t help but feel as though I’m mourning a loss. I have grown bolder and more confident and I fear that the “sweetness” that people perceived was just the timid skin that I have now shed… but then again, what do I know?

     This time last year, I felt isolated and alone. Today I am far from alone. In the times I feel hollow, Lord, remind me to seek you and count my blessings.

     Upon introspect, in the next year, I pray for the inspiration to curb my temper and jealousy, to be genuine with my apologies but unapologetic regarding who I was meant to be. I pray for the patience to be graceful to myself, straightforward with addressing my needs, and eager to serve the needs of others with the very same grace. Time and time again, He has proved that He is faithful; even when I'm not. With that infinite truth said, I'll continue to take heart.

     As Michelangelo declared in his old age, “Ancora Imparo!”. I am still learning. I will continue as many of us do; to live for connection as well as find grace and give grace wherever I can.

Much love,

-Emma xoxo

The Sweetest Weakness

“Live in such a way that if anyone should speak badly of you, no one would believe it.”

- Origins from 1 Peter 3:16

So… what makes someone trustworthy?

            I can almost guarantee that you’ll get a variety of responses based on someone’s personal value system. “Trust” is loosely defined as “a firm reliance on the integrity, ability, or character of a person or thing”. Today, I'm applying it to those who are close to you. In my humble opinion, I think it boils down to a case of positive dependability. Allow me to explain: Can you depend on them to keep a secret for instance (positive)… or can you depend on them to spill the beans, regardless of what it is, to someone else (negative/pseudo/false trust)? Hopefully I haven’t lost you yet, haha.

My ‘Ah-ha!” Moment

Right… so why I am talking about this today.

I had an “Ah-ha!” moment this afternoon while chatting with someone very near and dear to me. When I responded with "I trust you”, that statement turned out to be more significant and true than I could have ever imagined. I always believed that it was a noble and graceful thing to give people the benefit of the doubt. To a degree, I still believe that; however I think I see the bigger picture much more clearly now.

A Precious Gift:

You see, choosing to see the best in someone is not synonymous with trust; I had always lumped the two together. Trust is a precious gift and now I understand why people would say that you “earn it” and why they lament that if “trust” is broken, it is incredibly difficult to gain back. That is not to say that you shouldn’t forgive someone for letting you down (since that is a very human thing); what I am saying is that you may need to step back and evaluate the INTENT and severity of the indiscretion that was committed (such as forgetting to put the toilet seat down).

Shrewd-ness can oftentimes be a tough pill to swallow. If you can trust someone to always let you down – that’s not “trust” (remember the “positive/negative” example?). Please understand that you are NOT called to love someone less because of his or her character flaws. Instead, use them as a springboard for your own development. Remember, “Let he who is without sin, cast the first stone (John 8 : 7 – if you don’t know this story)”.

The Bottom line

Since trust is often something earned, I have learned to allow people to earn it and ACKNOWLEDGE those who have it… that my friends, has made all the difference and truly is the sweetest of weaknesses.

Lots of Love,
Emma xoxo

The Cost of Compassion

"Compassion is the radicalism of our time" -The Dali Lama

A professor of mine recently said something that I believe will stick with me for a very long time. I was challenged to transform my judgment of others into curiosity. Then she went ahead and opened her heart so sincerely to me (and the class) sharing a story about a gentleman whose son had died, that she had met on a plane while she was  running away to India to escape the painful aftermath of a divorce.

The story reminded me of a quote that has reoccurred several times in my young adulthood; unfortunately, I don’t know who said it but it goes like this, “Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Be kind. Always”. I think I liked his quote for many reasons. One being that I wish for that very compassion when I’m struggling, especially since I find confiding my weaknesses to be quite difficult as well as humbling.

Now, I recently put in some hours in as a poll clerk in the provincial election and was stationed with a pleasant middle-aged woman named Elle*. Her oldest daughter went to school with my little sister, so we hit it off quite well; coincidentally, the magazine she brought (in case I was anything like her last – much quieter – partner) went untouched. As time flew by, I started to feel that she was tentatively confiding in me. 
        Coincidentally, this story also has to do with airlines as well. Anyways, she spoke of adventures that never left her dreams to the realm of reality and various regrets about how and when she settled down to raise a family; wondering what would have happened if she didn't marry the pilot so soon into her stewardess career. She spoke of so many within-reach dreams as if they would never be realized and it made me sad. 
         It seemed that her unmotivated (not to say that he doesn't have his own back story too)  husband  seemed to be at the heart of her sadness (although she never out rightly said it), yet this beautiful woman’s heart shone with selflessness and understanding for not only the apathy of her husband, but for all the people in her family who had hurt her. I have often heard that it is easier to rise above and forgive when the other is understood, but that doesn't mean that the pain immediately goes away. With that said, it was interesting that I felt (only a small portion, I’m sure) her sadness almost as if it were my own.

In closing, I believe there is no cost for compassion. You don’t need to be cheap with it because it never runs out and doesn’t cost a thing. It’s too bad that (in my humbled opinion) our culture here seems to have it in such short supply.

Name Change & Redesign!

In time, some things must leave in order make room for the new. Lately, it has been on my heart to change the name of the blog to reflect more of a journey that lasts a lifetime and the experiences as well as learning that happens along the way. "Finding Eden" is about the search for paradise, connection, meaning in this world, and being whole. Join me as the sun sets on this very rich season to face the new and exciting prospects that come with the dawn of a new day and adventure.

The domain name will remain www.littlegoldlocket.blogspot.com for two reasons 1.) I still want you to find me, and 2.) The domain name was already taken. 

Oh well, who said everything had to go anyways? ;)

Please enjoy and be inspired!

With lots of love, as usual,

-Emma

xoxo

Pretty Little Cracks & Beautiful Bruises

“I don’t like that man; I must get to know him better… the best way to destroy an enemy is to make him a friend.”            ~Abraham Lincoln

      
     I find that it is easy to play the ‘blame-game’; that is, explaining away people’s behavior as a reflection of who they are rather than as a product of their situations. In psychology, we call this the ‘Fundamental Attribution Error’. In Christian lingo, this plays a part in what ‘Amazing Grace’ is all about.

      Inevitably, the time came for me to eat my words. I was put into a position where I had to make a choice; either paint a picture of my antagonist as an inherently terrible person ‘out to get me’, or as another human being who’s decisions were influenced by several different factors. For the sake of simplicity, let’s call him/her Jordan.

     Let me be clear, this does NOT absolve Jordan of taking responsibility for his/her actions.

Now for where my big epiphany came in...

     After lots of prayer, anger, grief, confusion, endless questions and even fear; I came face to face with the fact that there are no bad people, just (really) bad decisions.

      So yes, good people are capable of doing bad/hurtful things, and that in turn doesn't necessarily make them bad people. In fact, I am very capable and guilty of being the'bad person' myself. 

     In my experience, that concept is a really tough pill to swallow in the moment when YOU'RE the victim; but it allowed me to understand and forgive those who had hurt me terribly. I am not saying that the wounds on your heart will be instantaneously healed; forgiveness just allows those cracks and scars that you walk around with, the opportunity to start healing instead of festering.

Consider this, the skin where a scar has healed always seems to be stronger; doesn't it?

You WILL be okay.

“He found him in the desert and in the wasteland, a howling wilderness; He encircled him, He instructed him, He kept him as the apple of His eye.” -Deuteronomy 32:10 NKJV

Lots of Love,

-Emma    xoxo

The Little Day Thieves

       “I can feel guilty about the past, apprehensive about the future, but only in the present can I act. The ability to be in the present moment is a major component of mental wellness.”

-Abraham H. Maslow

      There is much to be said about living in the present, but what about when you’re having a tricky time over a trivial trial? How do you keep yourself grounded in the present?  I know from experience that in the moment, trivial things can quite easily ‘get to you’ by causing intense emotions, and possibly anxious feelings. I’m guilty of letting those trivialities spoil my entire day.

       Here is what I found helped me; hopefully it will do the same for you. This is my logic: God gave you this day to do HIS work, right? So with that in mind, we need to walk in the assurance that right now, we are a small part of a very big picture, regardless, still very much cherished by God.

      Understanding that God is the great orchestrator, he can do anything and cares very much about how you are feeling in the moment since he loves you so much. With that said, He wants to help you, and will – if you are bold enough to ask for it. Trusting the great orchestrator, I found the burden of the moment lifted.

       In tricky and rather trivial situations/matters that were made a ‘big deal’, I try to remember to lay down my pride as well as act gracefully and sincerely. In this manner, I do what I must to make it right on my end. After that, the ball is in the other person’s court.  Leave it to God to work in their hearts and yours, since he knows what both you need better that you know yourselves.

      Recently, God reminded me of this question, “In fifty years, will this matter?” So I ask you a related question. Is this trivial matter worth a day of your happiness?

Do yourself a favor, discipline the little day thieves.

“To be happy, we must not be too concerned with others”.   –Albert Camus

Lots of Love,

Emma  xoxo

Amazing Grace. I think THIS is what love looks like.

"Because there's nothing more beautiful than the way the ocean refuses to stop kissing the shoreline, no matter how many times it is sent away."
~Sarah Kay

Dear Papa,
Please continue to reveal your love and faithfulness to me. Help me to lay my pride down yet again in order to don a garment of meekness in order to best serve and grow in relationship with you.

Lots of love,
Emma

Inspiration

“Dear Child of God, I write these words because we all experience sadness, we all come at times to despair, and we all lose hope that the suffering in our lives and in the world will ever end. I want to share with you my faith and my understanding that this suffering can be transformed and redeemed. There is no such thing as a totally hopeless case. Our God is an expert at dealing with chaos, with brokenness, with all the worst that we can imagine. God created order out of disorder, cosmos out of chaos, and God can do so always, can do so now--in our personal lives and in our lives as nations, globally. ... Indeed, God is transforming the world now--through us--because God loves us.”


― Desmond Tutu, God Has a Dream: A Vision of Hope for Our Time

The Power of a Promise

"Her heart was a secret garden and the walls were very high. "I loved once" Buttercup said after a moment, "It worked out badly"." -The Princess Bride

    
   "Is this what sadness is all about? Is this what comes over us when beautiful memories shatter in hindsight because the remembered happiness fed not just on actual circumstances but on a promise that was not kept?"
 ~ Bernhard Schlink, The Reader


      I wonder if our disappointments for the most part are caused by broken promises. For Buttercup, Westley left (regardless of the reasons...I won't spoil the movie). 

        So here's my question to you; Do we fall into helpless infatuation, dare to dream big, as well as love based on dreams and (un)spoken promises? (you know... The promises that are implied, assumed, or were 'never confirmed' - yeah, the ones that are easy to wiggle out of for whatever the reason). 

      What happens when what you hope for is dashed in some way?

    Oddly enough, in order to protect myself from getting my hopes up dangerously high, I sometimes adopt the mindset that if I stubbornly chose not to believe anything - I can effectively lock my heart away for safe keeping. Sadly enough, I find I can go as far as doubting the degree of affection someone has for me. 
 (consider the saying 'taking it with a grain of salt' where I sometimes think I've forgotten to put the lid back on the shaker.
Just keep dumping on the salt, honey. Shrivel up that hopeful potential - you won't get disappointed then.)
 Arguably, all this might be worse than having my heart broken.
Consider the words of C.S. Lewis:

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”
― C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves 


       Holy crow, what a paradoxical life we live in. It appears that it has the nature of a double edged sword; Damned if you do and damned if you don't (pardon my French).

      God, because its no good to live in the past and fret too much about the future, I place my heart in your hands. You are the only one who never fails. Papa, you keep all your promises, so help me to follow that example even if others don't think it's important - I know that you beg to differ.

 "God is not man, that he should lie, or a son of man, that he should change his mind. Has he said, and will he not do it? Or has he spoken, and will he not fulfill it?" - Numbers 23:19

     Papa, please help me to make wise decisions and pick friends that I can trust in that very same manor. Help me to bravely continue to trust and open my heart to others even when I have been hurt; because courage is just as much about getting up and trying again when you are or have been weak, broken, and disappointed.

Lots of love, Emma xoxo

"He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will abide in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say to the Lord, “My refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.” For he will deliver you from the snare of the fowler and from the deadly pestilence. He will cover you with his pinions, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness is a shield and buckler. You will not fear the terror of the night, nor the arrow that flies by day, ..."-Psalm 91:1-16

Serendipity : A Perfectly Perfect Accident

“A man can no more diminish God's glory by refusing to worship Him than a lunatic can put out the sun by scribbling the word 'darkness' on the walls of his cell.” -C.S. Lewis, The Problem Of Pain

        

“Scientists are slowly waking up to an inconvenient truth - the universe looks suspiciously like a fix. The issue concerns the very laws of nature themselves. For 40 years, physicists and cosmologists have been quietly collecting examples of all too convenient "coincidences" and special features in the underlying laws of the universe that seem to be necessary in order for life, and hence conscious beings, to exist. Change any one of them and the consequences would be lethal. Fred Hoyle, the distinguished cosmologist, once said it was as if "a super-intellect has monkeyed with physics".

       To see the problem, imagine playing God with the cosmos. Before you is a designer machine that lets you tinker with the basics of physics. Twiddle this knob and you make all electrons a bit lighter, twiddle that one and you make gravity a bit stronger, and so on. It happens that you need to set thirty something knobs to fully describe the world about us. The crucial point is that some of those metaphorical knobs must be tuned very precisely, or the universe would be sterile.
.
       Example: neutrons are just a tad heavier than protons. If it were the other way around, atoms couldn't exist, because all the protons in the universe would have decayed into neutrons shortly after the big bang. No protons, then no atomic nucleuses and no atoms. No atoms, no chemistry, no life. Like Baby Bear's porridge in the story of Goldilocks, the universe seems to be just right for life.”
― Paul Davies

I have purpose. You have purpose. He has purpose. Humor me for a second, what were the odds out of the several times conception could have occured to your parents (ew!), and the millions of combinations of sperm and egg that could have been... YOU are a miracle. That's right; YOU are a miracle.

Lots of Love, Emma xoxo